Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Pittsburgh Guest Blogger Event!

Today’s post comes from Sandy Kozera of Orange Chair Blog, and is part of a special day of shenanigans from other Pittsburgh Bloggers. You can see my post over on Emily Levenson's blog, where I write about growing up gluten-free in a wheat-filled world.

I have two kids now, so I’m kind of a clever expert on parenting.  Rachel suggested that I might want to write up some tips for new parents in my guest post, and I agreed that this is certainly something for which I am extremely qualified.  Herein are my tips for new parents, all gleaned from my vast personal experience on the topic and all iron-clad.

1. Never go in and get your baby if she is crying.  Your baby can soothe herself.  If you go in to get her, she will become excited to see you and spend the next three hours thrashing about in your arms, trying to engage you by touching your face with her soft little hands, speaking to the cat, starting work on the Great American Novel, etc.  Let your baby cry it out.

2. Always go in and get your baby if she is crying. If you do not go to comfort your baby, you will listen to her cry hysterically for 45 minutes, finally give in, and find that your baby has had a major blowout and that her crib is completely covered in unfortunate mess.  Many loads of laundry and baths will be required.  You could have just dealt with this when she started crying 45 minutes ago, but now she’s been suffering, you miserable human being and incompetent fool of a parent.

3. Definitely let your child watch TV. It’s a great time for you to kick back with a magazine and the beverage of your choice.  When else would you get to do this?

4. Definitely do not let your child watch TV. Two reasons: (A) Childhood obesity and (B) Calliou is the worst.

5. Take your kids to restaurants. It’s a great way for them to get used to the experience of eating outside the home, where perhaps they might learn that people do not wander about the house and throw sandwiches on the ground in the living room behind the couch when they are done eating them.  Also, it cuts back on the amount of dishes you have to do.

6. Never take your kids to restaurants.  Because why would you want to spend $5 on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of apples that your kid won’t eat anyway and then will complain about being hungry not twenty minutes later when conveniently you are located right in front of a Dairy Queen and what do you mean you’re “out of money,” mom, because you just bought that bottle of wine and I think you used money for that?

7. Let your kids explore things on their own.  It’s a great way to locate things like a bottle half-full of milk that maybe you left on the floor after a nighttime feeding eight months ago when your kid was still taking bottles.

8. Follow your kids around at all times.  Because the minute it gets too quiet, you will find them scribbling on the wall with the single permanent pink marker that somehow made it into the general bin with all the other markers.

9. Leave the house as often as possible. You can only stare at the same four walls for so long before they start to close in on you and that pink scribble on the wall starts to mock you and take on a life of its own and my GOD, get me out of here, I don’t care if it’s 35 degrees out, the slides are plastic these days and it’s not like you’ll freeze to them.

10. Never leave the house. Because if you do leave the house, every time you leave the house, you have to remember a spare change of clothes, another spare change of clothes, diapers, wipes, snacks, drinks, jackets, bathing suits, hats, sunscreen, band-aids, antiseptic, paper towels, regular towels, tissues, membership cards to museums, checkbook, Chapstick, gum, mints, candy, passport, nail file, screwdriver, and pencil.  It’s just easier to stay home.

Want more great stuff to read? Check out all the other guest blog posts at:


  1. This was great. Sandy always has great advice!

  2. This does pretty much sum it up. Well done!